Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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