I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
