it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
