I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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