Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
