Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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