i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
