1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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