When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
