so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
