Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
