it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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