You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
