why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
