If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
