Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
