you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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