Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
where am i from again
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
