They should really pass out barf bags in church
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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