The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
