I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
