I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
