When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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