There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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