My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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