i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize