I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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