i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
