im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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