Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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