Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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