so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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