the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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