: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
