I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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