My underwear smells like fireworks.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
