i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My vagina is very pro this idea
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
