My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
