someone get that fucking seahorse.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
