i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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