I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
