It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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