i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize