he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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