He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
His nipple licking is glorious
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
