I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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