just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize