I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize