He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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