I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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