I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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