My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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