I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
