I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
