It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
