Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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