You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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