Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
